The is the last time.

So much dreadful shit has been happening, I swear there couldn't be a better time than this.

What do you do when someone you hold so close to your heart tears you apart? Do you cry? Scream? Runaway? Kick up a big fuss? I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I don't feel angry anymore, I don't even feel like cursing or hurling the F word at anybody's face. There is just this weird, deep, sinking feeling. It's like a bottomless pit. Maybe this is the real emptiness. Maybe this is really, disappointment.

I think I'm really done with crying. Crying doesn't make the situation any better, it only let the person who has inflicted damage on you know that he/she has really tore you apart. Travis hates to see me cry, & maybe that's why I hate to cry sometimes. Most of the time. I still remember when Travis left for Australia, I cried so hard at the Airport I had hiccups, but afterwards I actually told, or rather, promised him, that I'm never going to cry again. I've lost count of how many times I broke that promise.

There are times I think that it's quite useless to trust somebody, because this particular person would still hurt you in one way or another. Be it something they say, or something that they do. Two years ago Fiona gave me away with something that she said when I got into trouble with erm, certain people. When it was all over, I remember I used Rachel's phone, called Gary & I forgot how hard I cried. It wasn't because it had hurt on the outside, but it was mainly because she broke my heart into a million pieces. At that point of time I really wondered if it was deliberate. She was my best friend then besides Cherlynn & Rachel & I really wonder how long I took to build up that trust again. It's really amazing that even after everyone like YingShan & Rachel left, Fiona & I are still in this together.

Is there something I'm supposed to learn? Because if there is, I think I've not learnt my lesson because this kind of shit has been repeating itself over & over again. Maybe the closer the person is to you, the deeper the wound would be when he/she hurts you. & the more this person knows about you, the more he/she would know how to hurt you. When shit like that happens, it always forces me to take a step back & look at the whole thing, & of course the person, again. It forces me to look at things from a completely different point of view. It makes me think twice, about commiting myself again.

& when I finally do, things are almost never the same. Maybe there are certain exceptions, because Fiona & I are the best of friends now & every single day before I close my eyes & go to sleep, I thank God for giving me such a wonderful best friend.

I think I'd be able to get through this on my own, & get used to the life without some individuals. People come & go, I always tell myself.

Actually now I kind of feel a teeny weeny bit better, because I realised that I've changed quite a lot (for the better, not the worst, mind you.) I wonder how I would've handle this if I was still the me that's like erm fourteen or something. Maybe I'd try to smoke my tears away. Or maybe I'd be out getting a new penknife. I don't know. I wonder how I got through all that. I wonder how I broke free. I wonder how I really became me.

Maybe I should start being more optimistic. People actually believe in me, & that I can do it. Just a few days ago I was ranting on to Joel about how Maths is such an annoying subject & how I feel that I won't be able to do well for it, he actually turned the tables on me & I got quite upset because what he said that day made me feel even worse about myself, I actually told him that I'm not even going to get a tuition teacher, I am going to make it on my own & prove it to him that Stacy can. "That's the way", he replied. I was like haha Big Bully has been gone for so long but apparently Big Bully still knows, me.

He's not the only one, people like Kieran has been like making me feel even more inferior about myself whenever I feel like poop because he knows very well that I won't back down when he says something like, oh yeah I think you won't make it either because you keep saying that.

"Doing it the Stacy way", I call it. God made me Stacy. & like what I told Joel, I've to live up to it & not let the people that God has placed beside me down.

But maybe, I just need more time to think about how Stacy, would deal with all this shit.