Open your eyes & take a good look at me.

One night & one more time,
Thanks for the memories
I (we, rather) skipped the morning run today. Went back to class, & slept. When Mr Sham came in, he was left with only about half an hour & he couldn't do nuts. So we slept. Mr Oon only told us to copy the answers for the papers & we were left with plenty of extra time. So we talked abit about soccer. & we slept. Mr Ng went through the Maths paper today but both him & Mr Wong barely cared about who was listening. So we slept. The next lesson Mr Wong broke the news to us that he was leaving ): A couple of us complained & felt sad for awhile but other than that, we slept. Ms Ng nagged quite abit ("Can you be more serious?" hahahahaaaa.) But almost nobody gave a damn to what she was saying during the lesson. So we slept. & during Chinese we argued with Mr Yip about Liverpool, Man Utd & the Euro Cup. Other than soccer we refused to hear what else he has to say. So, we slept.

What a perfect day. Days like these should last & last & last & last & last.

It's showdown tonight, & I haven't decided if I want to go with Korkor & his poly friends, or with Kieran & the rest of the gang, or to Fiona's (to be honest Fiona's crib is probably out because I'll end up watching the match alone. She'll be sound asleep even before half-time.)

Oh glory glory Man Utd!

Sometimes after I go a round, I always end up questioning myself: Why do I throw myself in such places, in such situations. It's like tearing my heart out & willingly (or stupidly) placing it in someone else's hands to break right infront of my very own eyes. Then after this I cry. I blame the person. I blame everyone else. In the end it hits me right smack in the face, hey, I asked for it.

I spent almost the whole of yesterday's evening crying. I know how much I hate to cry but it's like one of those moments that you just feel that you can't keep it in anymore because you're already about to explode. Or implode. It's not so much about what happened, or what anyone had said, anymore. Just because I had different views with somebody else, & I felt that I was in no wrong, I was labeled as someone who couldn't be more understanding. Maybe someone else was pissed, I don't know, all I know is that I was pissed, I was upset, & I guess it was quite obvious. But other that these superficial feelings, I don't recall how I had felt deep inside at that very moment. Maybe I don't really want to remember it.

I don't want anybody else apologising to me, for me. It barely makes sense to the rest of the world's population, I know. The older brother has been constantly reminding me since yesterday, 'don't blame yourself' & doing all he can to make me feel better. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. But it's either everyone else plus him doesn't realise it, or I'm imagining things. The latter is impossible, because I know what had fueled all of these.

It wouldn't hurt anyone else as much as it hurts me. It sounds darn selfish, like everything is all mememememe, but if you bother to put your brains into it & try to place yourself in this situation, I hope you'll realise that it's true.

It's time. I don't know how long I've spent thinking about this. All along I've known that at some point of time, I have to let some people down, one way or another. I know certain people expect me to do better, & it really sucks to disappoint them. It'll be really nice if I could please everyone. But I'm not Superwoman, even Superwoman has to consider her own capabilities, emotions & feelings. What happened recently, just proved to me that I really have to go. If I don't, I'll be throwing myself into that very vicious cycle again. I'm being very honest with my weaknesses because originally I thought I could, but I've finally raised the white flag to myself - I can't juggle so many things together. I've to set my mind onto something, be focused & attain it. I can't afford to decide, then something else crops up & distracts me from what I first wanted. I cannot, any longer, place my heart in someone else's hands & just watch as that person tear me apart - without even knowing it.

I will be stepping down from my commitments in JG & in Powerhouse. It's just a matter of when, & how long. Perhaps one day I'll come back to pursue my dream of becoming a worship leader. Yes maybe, One Day. It's really breaking me & it sucks to give up something that I have such a deep passion for. Sure, it's something that I truely love, but many things have been making it seem like just a weekly routine. Things have been downhill since the start of the year & I know I have to 'detach' myself because everything else, including my studies, is going down with it. On a brighter side, I'm quite proud of myself because I managed to put up with it & hang on for 5 whole months.

My strength to make it through was because of the strength that You have given to me, it was made perfect in weakness, & I thank You.

Maybe after the June holidays. I know I'll miss plenty of faces, yes, plenty...

Il&my.